Sponge bath it is.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
