We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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