took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
