my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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