WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
