ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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