Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This is classic penis vs brain.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
