I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
