you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
