actually, I'm a sock model
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
