Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
