"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
