I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
