I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
soo... how was my night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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