So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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