Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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