...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
