Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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