she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
