connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
