I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
