census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
