Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
