I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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