You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
