Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Randomize
