How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
