that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
