:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
