genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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