so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
