the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
