Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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