Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
