If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
