Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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