fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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