i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
