The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
