I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The struggles of a small town man whore
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
