also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
