i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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