You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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