3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
