she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
