I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
