you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
