i don't like sucking hair
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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