the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
tell me about the eggs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
