i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
