is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
