What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
