Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
