I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize