I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
