I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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