Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
