it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
