Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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