Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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