matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
